Milestones and Political Apathy
I’ve heard a lot of nonsense this week about how people are making too big a deal about Obama being the first black president. Most of it comes from the naive viewpoint that his race is ideally irrelevant and how any progressive nation should just view him as a person and not an African-American. That’s all well and good, but blowing off a milestone of this magnitude is more a response to not wanting to deal with the sociopolitical structure of our nation.

From this point forward, since this particular die has been cast, race becomes a non-issue in politics. This doesn’t signal a perfect America or the end of racism. This isn’t a shining moment because suddenly butterflies are erupting from cotton candy cloud. But it’s important. Obama’s election is the moment in which change begins to happen, but not just the kind he built his platform around. Every child’s history book going forward will suddenly show possibility and hope. A type of equality that changes the protocol of 232 years of American politics.

I didn’t vote for Obama because he was black. And despite insistence to the contrary, most people didn’t. While I don’t agree with everything Obama stands for, I felt he was the most qualified candidate for the position and stood a better change of leading us closer to an America I’m more interested in living in. I’m glad he won on those grounds alone. For the actual campaign and election, I couldn’t care less what color he was. But now that he stands as our first black president, that should be recognized and celebrated. Obama’s election is a milestone. Pretending it’s not is apathetic and showcases a lack of understanding of the very structure of America and the struggles it has taken to even to get to this point.

That being said…

Prop 8 And Backwards Motion
I have yet to see a compelling reason for California Proposition 8, which was actually listed on the ballot as Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry. We have actually been through an election in which a proposition designed to eliminate rights was approved. This is horrifying, Stone Age thinking.

Step away from the actual issue for a moment. I’ll get to that shortly. Let’s look at the fact that this amendment proposal was put out to strip away a right that had already been granted. On a civil rights level, this is a social atrocity. Rights have been taken away and people were okay with it. At this point, let’s take away minority voting rights. Why not? What’s the difference? Let’s get some racial segregation going again, too. I’m sure minorities pose just as much of a threat to the organizations who backed Prop 8 as those horrible, society-threatening gays do. Rights were taken away. Rights. How does that happen in 2008? We’re never going to get the flying cars and sassy robot maids that The Jetsons promised us if we keep moving backwards.

A lot of the pressure for Prop 8 came from religious groups who feel same-sex unions threaten the sanctity of marriage and the very foundation of society (like the state of Massachusetts, which has broken down and completely stopped working since legalizing gay marriage in 2004). What it really comes down to is a threat to their way of belief and there’s a feeling that their sense of society will crash down around them if two people of the same gender marry. The ability for religious groups to back an initiative to affect state legislature is frightening. As a citizen, you may think that gay people doing their gay thing is icky or whatever, but what purpose is served by not letting them have the same basic rights as you? What’s the harm in marriage being an institution between two people, not two people of opposing genders?

I will actively and openly listen to opinions on either side of this issue. I will not accept answers that deal with the religious nature of marriage because they are irrelevant. A lot of weddings happen in churches, but you’re not married until your local government signs off on it. I will not accept answers that involve homosexuality as “wrong” or a “sin” because believe what you will…sinners get married all the time. I need a valid, rational, secular argument on the other side of this because until I get one or until this situation is resolved, I am angry and will actively seek ways to turn the tide.

Any takers?

b

David and I got off work at 6:00 PM and went to represent, civic-duty style. After voting, we went back to David’s, where I got to work setting up our own little situation room area. It was the perfect setup as we could see David’s gigantic TV perfectly for election results and there was enough room for his computer, my laptop, and my Cintiq (the fancy drawing tablet I use). Here’s basically what it looked like:

Yes, I was drinking coffee out of a Tigger cup. You’ll be okay.

I’d gotten everything pretty well set up by 7ish when I received a phone call from Carmen, who was on the side of the interstate with a flat tire. She was only a few exits down and David and I jumped into action. By 7:45, we were back at the apartment, greasy hands pounding away at our respective keyboards in preparation for the big event.

The first hour was a blur. Between catching up on prep time lost to our being Nascar-efficient tire-changing badasses and the election results that were already cascading in, it actually got a little stressful. I was still figuring out formatting quirks as comments started coming in, so we responded to those as quickly as we could. We got some decent traffic according to our tracking thingy, so I’m happy about that. If we do something like this again, I’m not going to leave all the formatting stuff to myself, as it got a bit frustrating while I was trying to do my retarded drawings and load in David’s tidbits at the same time.

When they called the election for Barack Obama at 11PM our time, we were rather surprised. We’d intended to go on for at least another hour or two. The 11PM update reflected our genuine shock at how quickly everything happened. In retrospect, we probably should have said something about McCain’s gracious concession speech and Obama’s powerful acceptance, but we were kind of tired.

We ate pizza, consumed a lot of Diet Coke (and eventually I had coffee) and had a grand time overall. David made a good point part-way through in that neither of us were even paying attention to the race or rooting for anyone, we were just wrapped up in the absurd nonsense we were producing. And after all, isn’t that what election night is all about?

Well, no…I guess not. But it was for us. Election 2008, mothercrunkers. We…were there.

b

It will be an interesting evening of facts, truths, factual truths, and truthful facts. Just keeping hitting your little refresh button from time to time and see more of our knowledge nuggets rolling in as the night progresses.

THESE STORIES ARE TRUE.

b

David and I started the whole Tank and Sniper thing while playing various first-person shooters like Call of Duty 4 and the Halo games. It was clear in our playing that we had completely different approaches when it came to attack. David, like some sort of ‘roid-raged monkey, would go charging into battle, guns blazing and arms waving around. I swear there were times he had already stomped through an entire level and handed the enemies their faces before the rounds even started.

I, on the other hand, have a more conservative (wussy) approach. I’m the guy on the hilltop picking people off with a sniper rifle or handgun or grenade. I’m a lot better at attacking from a distance than David, who would rather run up and shove the bullets directly into people’s skulls. I have the patience it takes to snipe, where he does not.

Thus was born Tank and Sniper. I don’t remember what game we were playing when we coined it, but it’s been an ongoing joke for some time. We actually started referring to each other by those names. Not over XBox Live or anything…THAT would be absurd. Just across the living room from one another.

“Good job, Tank.”
“Thanks, Sniper.”
“Let’s go get a burrito.”
“Awesome.”

b

I’ve written a wedding, comics, plays, short stories, a musical (unfinished…just the words at this point), a screenplay, and countless other things. There’s a scale to this project that’s daunting and exciting. I intend to write 1,000 words a day (not much more or less), which isn’t a HUGE time commitment, but we’re looking at months of work. I’ve never been good with projects that take me longer than one session, but I have to in this case. Having outlined it, I’m quite excited about it.

David is writing a book, too. His is in a different vein, but we both decided we’re decent enough writers to hold people’s interest for a book-length piece of time. I think it’s going to be a bit of a race to the finish as we’re going to start on the same day, but it’s not a competition in the sense that our topics are pretty different. The tone of our stories (mine, at least…who knows what David’s going to hammer out) will be nothing like what we’ve been co-drafting over at These Stories Are True (plug!).

I’m thinking about keeping a word count tally here on the site as I bang away at the story. I think that might be a good way to keep myself going. Prodding from others if they don’t see increase at a rapid enough rate should motivate me. We’ll see. It’s going to be a lot of work.

So that’s it. The next big thing. These Stories Are True will still continue. And other projects. But this is the big one. My ramp to becoming an internationally-recognized famous writer. Or just another guy with a terrible manuscript. Only THE FUTURE can decide!

b

David and Meggie. Mr. and Mrs. Cochran. Mr. and Mrs. Garcia. Beloved friends, family and colleagues. Everyone else. Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage, the blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream. We have come here to celebrate the marriage and intertwining of David and Meggie, who have fallen deeply in love and chosen to get married in our presence.

It is the belief of some that our lives and destinies are already laid out deep within us and that life itself is the process of being willing to discover the direction of our path step by step. Others believe that life is a free-wheeling free-will jamboree during which we find our own way and blaze our own trails. Some people feel that our lives are all contained within the dreams of a sleeping giant, destined to all end in a flash when his or her giant alarm clock goes off on his or her giant nightstand.

In any case, we can all agree that people, such as David and Meggie, have weddings, like this one, and enter into a marriage. Marriage itself is a nurturing matrix within which two individuals can continue to expand and develop as their singular selves. In this view, the focus is not solely on the couple and what they may undertake together, but just as much on the individuals who compose that couple and what they have to contribute through their lives, how their union serves to enlarge and develop each of them. It’s a process of striving for personal destinies, but doing so hand-in-hand.

Although this may appear on the surface to be a less romantic vision of love, it is a view that holds a relationship in the highest spiritual regard, for it has as its underlying assumption that each of us is alive for an important purpose and that marriage enhances the capacity for one to excel and succeed. Like individual Lego bricks, two come together to form what is, essentially, a larger Lego brick. That larger Lego brick becomes a vital part of the foundation of our society, which in this case could be a large castle or pirate ship. Without this two-piece, larger Lego brick, the castle or ship is smaller and less useful and more apt for crumbling. Our world is strengthened as each Lego connects to another.

David and Meggie have stretched their individual development so far that they are no longer wandering around and laboring in solitude to discover themselves. They have come upon each other in their personal quests and realized that they are incredibly and wholly in love with one another, a love that brightens their lives in ways they could never know on their own. Their love inspires and occasionally sickens those around them as it is pure and bold and undeniable. We celebrate with them their arrival at the gateway to true and conscious loving. Let us be happy for this wonderful landmark in the journey of their lives, this love that has brought them, and us, to the joyous occasion of this marriage.

---

I have known David for a third of my life, but it’s only been within the last few years that I began to spend what we can all agree is far too much time with him. It was during this period that David met Meggie, a presence in his life that would eventually clarify for him who he wanted to be as a person. Their love for one another is obvious in everything they do, be it something blatantly romantic or as simple as a conversation over dinner. I catch them looking at each other from time to time when they don’t know that I see them. All I can see on their faces is straightforward, uncompromising love. Sometimes that might devolve into a silly face or “the look”, but the foundation is always there and apparent. Their love is an encouraging example that there is a perfect match for everyone, even someone like David.

It’s an understatement to say that life has changed substantially for both David and Meggie since they met. There has been adversity, to be sure, but there are many stories about people who’ve gone through worse and come out the other side all the better for it. These stories are true.

David, you are my best friend, my writing partner, and someone for whom I would consider maybe taking a bullet. Meggie, you have become a close friend, an occasional maker of meals for me, and someone who won’t let me put my feet on your coffee table. I am honored and pleased to be here performing your ceremony. I look forward to watching the two of you charge wildly into the future together because it is said that the family of the 21st century is made up of friends and I am proud to be part of yours.

---

There is no moment without meaning, no undertaking without significance. We ask that you both, together and as your own wonderful selves, be honored and expanded by the promises you are about to make, the marriage you are about to create. And may love, the destiny above all destinies, be always in your midst, the handmaid and the master of your marriage.

---

Having been reminded once again of the deep value of the love you feel as well as the strength of your individual presences in this union, I ask of you these questions. Do you, David, choose to marry Meggie in order to provide her with a lifetime of love, respect, adoration, humor, and awesomeness and also to create with her a loving home for the rest of the days of your life? Do you, Meggie, choose to marry David in order to provide him with a lifetime of love, respect, adoration, humor, and also to create with him a loving home in which he can play video games from time to time for the rest of the days of your life?

---

David and Meggie have chosen to write their own vows, so I’m going to let them take over. (David first)

---

Rings are created solely for the purpose of being worn. On their own, their value is small no matter how high their price. Rings are made precious by our wearing them. They carry our meaning; they say who we are, where we have been, and where we are going. Worn, they become us and reflect us. These rings are a symbol of our truest essence and the bonds we have to one another. They are also very shiny, like the light with which you fill one another. They are also made of metal, which makes them hardcore and lasting, like your love. And they’re round, like love also is somehow.

You each will wear a ring on your finger as an outward expression of the way you wear each other in your hearts. These rings will remain forever, reminding you that even in solitude you are never alone. A reminder that before too long, they will clink together the next time you are able to grasp one another’s hands.

As a sign of my love
and that I am choosing
to share my whole life’s journey with you,
and of my knowing that in marrying
you I shall become much more than I am,
I give you this ring,
with the pledge
that with you
I shall become most truly myself
and offer such gifts as I have
and I am to the world

---

Now having freely chosen to continue your growth and development in your own ways while strengthened by this union, knowing that you’ve taken up the task of clearly seeing, knowing, and supporting another human being, and having honored one another with the gift of your rings, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

---

May all that you have already become, which has brought you to this day, and all you will become as a consequence of it, in the lifelong joining of your hearts and minds continue to show you your purpose. May you always be brought most beautifully and steadfastly into the presence of yourselves and of one another, and may you live long and happily fulfilling all that you are. Just remember, above all, to be excellent to one another.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce Mr. and Mrs. David C. Garcia

In the interest of full disclosure, I borrowed liberally from Weddings From The Heart, but heavily re-wrote the content. Most of what I took directly was structural.

There’s also a less true account of this ceremony over at These Stories Are True. Enjoy.

b

On the blue-sky morning of 8/9/08, I woke around 10:00 AM. I moved from bed to couch and watched the Olympics for a while, specifically the female fencing team sweeping the medals for the event (go girls with swords!). I thought that it would be nice to run over to Einstein’s and grab a bagel as I had no prepared food in the house and somehow the act of driving somewhere and buying breakfast felt like less work than making something. I tossed on my sunglasses and left the apartment, wallet in pocket and hunger in belly.

Before I get to the half-digested meat of the story, let me explain that I somehow live on a nice street. It’s mostly large houses populated with affluent older people, aside from my apartment building and a few shared houses across the street. It’s a generally quiet neighborhood in which, by midnight, it’s usually dead silent. This is a tree-lined street with well-cut lawns and polite people. It’s an area I was happy to move into, whether I felt like I belonged there or not. Things being such, I’ve always felt comfortable leaving my windows down a bit to ward off the heat of summer in the mornings. My car doesn’t even have locks in the front doors, so it’s constantly unlocked. Where I live, this seems reasonable, if ill-advised.

As I discovered that morning, the four inches I’d left my window rolled down was exactly the opening necessary for a wandering, drunk stranger to vomit into my car. Having emptied the contents of his/her stomach onto the passenger seat (those contents being mostly burrito ingredients), the individual decided to root through the contents of my glove compartment and put those contents on top of his/her vomit. I don’t know if this was a sloppy attempt at hiding what s/he had done or if s/he was incredibly interested in the secrets contained within my car manual and old registrations.

My first reaction was a non-reaction. I stood there and stared. To add to the sensual texture of this story, let me remind you that this was almost noon on an August day in Virginia. That means the temperature was in the 80s and this stuff (again, burrito ingredients and stranger bile) had been cooking for hours. I eventually regained some sense and sent a few text messages of bewildered almost-outrage to several members of my posse. Katie came outside to take her trash out and I invited her to look at (and inherently smell) what had happened. I don’t remember her reaction. I don’t remember anything as it exactly happened as my rage began to grow.

After realizing I didn’t have gloves at my place and not wanting to give the puker the satisfaction of watching my clean it up should s/he be lurking in the bushes, his/her clothing caked with what didn’t make it into my car, I took the car over to David’s. He has a more secluded parking lot. This, of course, meant driving several blocks with my semi-liquid passenger. This was accomplished by driving, dog-like, with my head most of the way out of the window. I’m pretty sure I also held my breath for most of the trip.

Not wanting to deal with the situation immediately, I relayed the story to several people and generally messed around for a little while. Then I spent an hour scooping the vomit of someone I don’t know out of my car, Lysol wipes and paper towels held tightly in my glove-covered hands. David watched from about 30 feet away, alternately playing his PSP, looking grossed out, and just staring. I had to unscrew parts of my car to get to some of the deeper pools. Does that gross you out? Are you getting queasy? I WAS THERE. Trust me, reading about this anonymous vomit is far less traumatizing than holding it.

In the end, it cost me $50 to get the car shampooed out. Not to mention another $30-something to buy Spaced on DVD because I needed something amazing to do as a distraction from thinking about the attack. Yes, I said attack. For me, this was the bar culture (as I assume it was a wandering bar-goer stumbling back home from further downtown) bringing the battle to my doorstep. 8/9/08 was a day that will live in infamy. 8/9/08 was my 9/11/01 on a small, even-tasteless-to-compare scale. Next move is mine, bar culture. Next move is mine.

Actually, I went to a bar last night to see traveling trubadours Tereu Tereu and made a point of not vomiting in anyone else’s car (or anywhere, for that matter). I think I’m winning the war already.

But I will never forget.

For the past several weeks, my nemesis David and I have been working on a new humor site called These Stories Are True. We’ve been writing essays about a variety of topics that are completely factual and entirely made up. I think you should check it out. There are some links to it at the end of this post.

I’ve also been illustrating the essays, which has been a blast. The illustrations, much like the essays, are a little on the odd side.

For example:

and

You should check it out. This is me inviting you to look at These Stories Are True because you want to and because I’m telling you to.

These Stories Are True

8/4/2008 - THINGS WE LIKED BEFORE THEY WERE COOL
8/11/2008 - WE PITCH AN ACTION HORROR MOVIE
8/18/2008 - THESE PANTS ARE GREAT
8/25/2008 - THIS KID’S BIRTHDAY PARTY IS RETARDED

Join us Mondaily (my word…do not steal) for new updates. We’ll get your week started off right. If your week starts on Monday. Which it might not. If this is not the case, feel free to wait and read it whenever your week starts. Or read it when it’s new and then again when the week starts. Just read it. Let your eyeballs be pleasured.

b

The Dark Knight is currently poised to destroy every major box office record in the history of cinema. Having already smashed opening day and weekend records, the trends indicate it may overtake 1997’s Titanic as the high-grossing film of all time. This is an impressive feat for any movie, but my interest is held by the fact that it’s a Batman movie.

The concept of Batman has always had a place in pop culture, constantly reinventing and adapting itself. In the early comics, it was the darker approach of a regular guy righting wrongs from the shadows that caught the attention of a country already growing weary of the boy scout image portrayed by Superman and the characters he inspired. In the 1960s, there was the camp TV series that brought Batman and Robin to the public forefront with a take on the characters that would forever stain any serious discussion with “POW”s and “WHAM”s and “Holy this and that, Batman!” Counter to how the Dark Knight was portrayed in the original comics, this version provided a new lexicon for reporters to use when talking about anything related to comics (even now, as the public gets used to the darker, grimier version brought to us by Christopher Nolan). Tim Burton blended the dark and the camp in 1989’s Batman and 1992’s Batman Returns. The other pre-Nolan Batfilms don’t warrant mention (aside from their resaturation of the stains on the character’s image). The various Batman cartoons have all had their whack at the legend, most notably Batman: The Animated Series, a show that was kid- and fanboy-approved.

Batman, it seems, has always been around, forever adapting and changing. So why is it that The Dark Knight has risen to such mind-boggling heights? While ever-present, Batman has never been as popular or admired as the superheroes in brighter tights like Superman and Spider-Man. More than likely, The Dark Knight has set the world on fire based simply on the fact that it never lets itself act like a superhero movie. Unlike its predecessor Batman Begins, which only started acting like a comic book film when the big microwave bomb was headed into the heart of Gotham, The Dark Knight is a thriller, an action film, and a sociopolitical allegory wrapped into a tightly-weaved (yet needlessly long) film.

Batman Begins wasn’t without its own allegorical moments. A terrorist group (one that literally caused terror with a fear gas) using a public transportation method to crash down everything in mid-town Gotham? That story has been lived through, although admittedly with less Gary Oldman. But The Dark Knight sets itself up from the get-go. Batman is America (vascillating between its citizens and its government), the Joker is terror, the Underworld is the rest of the world. The Joker is wild, unpredictable, and impossible to reason with. Batman goes to extreme lengths (such as essentially wire-tapping the entirety of Gotham City) as way to restore order. At the same time, the ultimate symbol of hopeful justice, Harvey Dent, is corrupted along the way. Even the Joker’s creation, which we assume is a direct result of Batman’s presence in Gotham, rings of the true reasons behind the terror attacks we’ve faced in this country. In the end, we’re watching our world on screen for two and a half hours, played out with puppets in armor and purple suits.

The resolution, however, is ideal. And it’s the build to that resolution is what keeps people in their seats. Batman (America) catches the terrorist leader (The Joker) using his own means. He becomes reviled in the name of How It Should Be Done, but it’s for a good reason. As the credits roll, we see Batman in the perfect position. Safer yet still living by his own terms. He lost some things that were important to him, like his girl and the shining, scarred version of Justice represented by Harvey Dent. Are these losses acceptable? That’s to be determined in the final film of Nolan’s planned trilogy. One that will, no doubt, make another outlandish payday for those involved and hopefully frighten, entertain, and empathize with the American public. As long as it doesn’t suffocate itself in convoluted plots like Pirates 3 or Spider-Man 3, I think we’re in for another treat.

It’s still amazing to think that Batman will likely sit perched atop the list of film records, cape billowing in the wind. To a point it helps legitamize the industry of comic books, but it transcends that “genre” with such facility that it’s hard to even apply its success to its source. It would be great to see a reversal, in fact, and see some comics coming out that match The Dark Knight in its twisting plot-lines and solid, real-world characterization of unreal characters but using those elements unique to graphic storytelling to take it even farther. There are a few out there, but they are few and far between. The immediate thought is Watchmen, but even that is so grounded in the fantastic that it’s hard to compare.

What The Dark Knight teaches us is that source material and flash are irrelevant when you have a solid interpretation, a masterful storyteller, and the right amount of social resonance. I’m not saying I want to see a Superman movie fitting the same template, but The Dark Knight makes me crave more intensity in my moviegoing, not just in the action sense, but in the emotional and psychological. Tell me a story I already know, but do it in a format and a way I never knew could work so well. Teach me about myself and the world around me. Make me think and cringe and cheer all at once. The Dark Knight did it. And it’s going to be as much of a legend as Batman himself ever was.

Example 4:
More on the subject of meat eaters. Have you ever heard of someone who eats just meat getting sick? Of course not. Proud men such as Macho Man Randy Savage, whose diet consists of Slim Jims and punching, never get sick, never get injured and will likely never die. As tasty as you may think vegetables are, they were never meant for consumption. Have we not learned anything from the Hippiesaurs? When Popeye first promoted spinach as being the man-maker that it is, a little piece of Nature died. Spinach was initially invented by Nature for the purpose of making ropes with which to hang imbeciles and whips to lash at hipsters. For decades, Nature held a grudge against Popeye. Hoping that the “eating spinach is cool” trend would eventually pass, Nature finally caved in 2006 and tainted every batch of the vegetable with E. Coli. While the death and illness associated with the tainted spinach pleased Nature, it was obvious that the human tendency towards lameness overrode any fear of death. So in 2007, Nature struck again, this time infecting the mushy vegetable with Salmonella. While not as theatrical as an asteroid, it seems Nature’s spoiling of vegetables seems to have been kind of effective in eliminating some of humanity’s less awesome. Just recently a new Salmonella outbreak was linked to tomatoes. Much like spinach was designed for purposes of violence, so were tomatoes. Designed to fit in the palm of one’s hand, the tomato was invented by Nature to be thrown at things that are displeasing (bad actors, people with incorrect opinions, Jehovah’s Witnesses). Tomatoes are a device of retaliation, much like a bullet. Perplexed as to why lesser humans would eat weapons like tomatoes and not bullets, Salmonella seemed to be the right way to go again.

Example 5:
The one thing that slid out of Nature’s control? Bugs. The early bugs of the Age of Dinosaurs were also carnivorous and were roughly the size of buses. More like school buses than charter buses. But not the smaller ones or the new-fangled ones that don’t look like they have engines. Old school…school…buses. Nature hates school buses. No, wait. Bugs.

The one thing that slid out of Nature’s control? Bugs. The early bugs of the Age of Dinosaurs were also carnivorous and were VERY LARGE. These bugs were intended for collecting pollen from some plants (ambush shields) on their filthy, hairy bodies and smearing it all over other plants to make them get bigger and more plentiful. But at some point, these creatures started eating the plants they were intended to be the pimps for. This was planned. The wily insects started chomping down all at once. Without meat, their bodies began to shrink and they got faster. Nature attempted to swat them, but most were too small and fast to get caught or smooshed. This scared Nature and still does. Insects are only allowed to survive because Nature is afraid of them.

So what have we all learned from this? What more do we know about Nature? Aside from the fact that Nature is a fan of meat, pina coladas and the accuracy of the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, we’ve probably learned nothing. Unless Nature just loses its mind again and heaves another space bouler at Earth, humans will continue to rave, eat vegetables and be smartasses. It’s sad but it’s true. The most dynamic of all animal species is still plagued with idiocy and lameness that can only be taken care of with an extinction level event. Oh well.