David and I got off work at 6:00 PM and went to represent, civic-duty style. After voting, we went back to David’s, where I got to work setting up our own little situation room area. It was the perfect setup as we could see David’s gigantic TV perfectly for election results and there was enough room for his computer, my laptop, and my Cintiq (the fancy drawing tablet I use). Here’s basically what it looked like:

Yes, I was drinking coffee out of a Tigger cup. You’ll be okay.

I’d gotten everything pretty well set up by 7ish when I received a phone call from Carmen, who was on the side of the interstate with a flat tire. She was only a few exits down and David and I jumped into action. By 7:45, we were back at the apartment, greasy hands pounding away at our respective keyboards in preparation for the big event.

The first hour was a blur. Between catching up on prep time lost to our being Nascar-efficient tire-changing badasses and the election results that were already cascading in, it actually got a little stressful. I was still figuring out formatting quirks as comments started coming in, so we responded to those as quickly as we could. We got some decent traffic according to our tracking thingy, so I’m happy about that. If we do something like this again, I’m not going to leave all the formatting stuff to myself, as it got a bit frustrating while I was trying to do my retarded drawings and load in David’s tidbits at the same time.

When they called the election for Barack Obama at 11PM our time, we were rather surprised. We’d intended to go on for at least another hour or two. The 11PM update reflected our genuine shock at how quickly everything happened. In retrospect, we probably should have said something about McCain’s gracious concession speech and Obama’s powerful acceptance, but we were kind of tired.

We ate pizza, consumed a lot of Diet Coke (and eventually I had coffee) and had a grand time overall. David made a good point part-way through in that neither of us were even paying attention to the race or rooting for anyone, we were just wrapped up in the absurd nonsense we were producing. And after all, isn’t that what election night is all about?

Well, no…I guess not. But it was for us. Election 2008, mothercrunkers. We…were there.

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It will be an interesting evening of facts, truths, factual truths, and truthful facts. Just keeping hitting your little refresh button from time to time and see more of our knowledge nuggets rolling in as the night progresses.

THESE STORIES ARE TRUE.

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David and I started the whole Tank and Sniper thing while playing various first-person shooters like Call of Duty 4 and the Halo games. It was clear in our playing that we had completely different approaches when it came to attack. David, like some sort of ‘roid-raged monkey, would go charging into battle, guns blazing and arms waving around. I swear there were times he had already stomped through an entire level and handed the enemies their faces before the rounds even started.

I, on the other hand, have a more conservative (wussy) approach. I’m the guy on the hilltop picking people off with a sniper rifle or handgun or grenade. I’m a lot better at attacking from a distance than David, who would rather run up and shove the bullets directly into people’s skulls. I have the patience it takes to snipe, where he does not.

Thus was born Tank and Sniper. I don’t remember what game we were playing when we coined it, but it’s been an ongoing joke for some time. We actually started referring to each other by those names. Not over XBox Live or anything…THAT would be absurd. Just across the living room from one another.

“Good job, Tank.”
“Thanks, Sniper.”
“Let’s go get a burrito.”
“Awesome.”

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I’ve written a wedding, comics, plays, short stories, a musical (unfinished…just the words at this point), a screenplay, and countless other things. There’s a scale to this project that’s daunting and exciting. I intend to write 1,000 words a day (not much more or less), which isn’t a HUGE time commitment, but we’re looking at months of work. I’ve never been good with projects that take me longer than one session, but I have to in this case. Having outlined it, I’m quite excited about it.

David is writing a book, too. His is in a different vein, but we both decided we’re decent enough writers to hold people’s interest for a book-length piece of time. I think it’s going to be a bit of a race to the finish as we’re going to start on the same day, but it’s not a competition in the sense that our topics are pretty different. The tone of our stories (mine, at least…who knows what David’s going to hammer out) will be nothing like what we’ve been co-drafting over at These Stories Are True (plug!).

I’m thinking about keeping a word count tally here on the site as I bang away at the story. I think that might be a good way to keep myself going. Prodding from others if they don’t see increase at a rapid enough rate should motivate me. We’ll see. It’s going to be a lot of work.

So that’s it. The next big thing. These Stories Are True will still continue. And other projects. But this is the big one. My ramp to becoming an internationally-recognized famous writer. Or just another guy with a terrible manuscript. Only THE FUTURE can decide!

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David and Meggie. Mr. and Mrs. Cochran. Mr. and Mrs. Garcia. Beloved friends, family and colleagues. Everyone else. Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage, the blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream. We have come here to celebrate the marriage and intertwining of David and Meggie, who have fallen deeply in love and chosen to get married in our presence.

It is the belief of some that our lives and destinies are already laid out deep within us and that life itself is the process of being willing to discover the direction of our path step by step. Others believe that life is a free-wheeling free-will jamboree during which we find our own way and blaze our own trails. Some people feel that our lives are all contained within the dreams of a sleeping giant, destined to all end in a flash when his or her giant alarm clock goes off on his or her giant nightstand.

In any case, we can all agree that people, such as David and Meggie, have weddings, like this one, and enter into a marriage. Marriage itself is a nurturing matrix within which two individuals can continue to expand and develop as their singular selves. In this view, the focus is not solely on the couple and what they may undertake together, but just as much on the individuals who compose that couple and what they have to contribute through their lives, how their union serves to enlarge and develop each of them. It’s a process of striving for personal destinies, but doing so hand-in-hand.

Although this may appear on the surface to be a less romantic vision of love, it is a view that holds a relationship in the highest spiritual regard, for it has as its underlying assumption that each of us is alive for an important purpose and that marriage enhances the capacity for one to excel and succeed. Like individual Lego bricks, two come together to form what is, essentially, a larger Lego brick. That larger Lego brick becomes a vital part of the foundation of our society, which in this case could be a large castle or pirate ship. Without this two-piece, larger Lego brick, the castle or ship is smaller and less useful and more apt for crumbling. Our world is strengthened as each Lego connects to another.

David and Meggie have stretched their individual development so far that they are no longer wandering around and laboring in solitude to discover themselves. They have come upon each other in their personal quests and realized that they are incredibly and wholly in love with one another, a love that brightens their lives in ways they could never know on their own. Their love inspires and occasionally sickens those around them as it is pure and bold and undeniable. We celebrate with them their arrival at the gateway to true and conscious loving. Let us be happy for this wonderful landmark in the journey of their lives, this love that has brought them, and us, to the joyous occasion of this marriage.

---

I have known David for a third of my life, but it’s only been within the last few years that I began to spend what we can all agree is far too much time with him. It was during this period that David met Meggie, a presence in his life that would eventually clarify for him who he wanted to be as a person. Their love for one another is obvious in everything they do, be it something blatantly romantic or as simple as a conversation over dinner. I catch them looking at each other from time to time when they don’t know that I see them. All I can see on their faces is straightforward, uncompromising love. Sometimes that might devolve into a silly face or “the look”, but the foundation is always there and apparent. Their love is an encouraging example that there is a perfect match for everyone, even someone like David.

It’s an understatement to say that life has changed substantially for both David and Meggie since they met. There has been adversity, to be sure, but there are many stories about people who’ve gone through worse and come out the other side all the better for it. These stories are true.

David, you are my best friend, my writing partner, and someone for whom I would consider maybe taking a bullet. Meggie, you have become a close friend, an occasional maker of meals for me, and someone who won’t let me put my feet on your coffee table. I am honored and pleased to be here performing your ceremony. I look forward to watching the two of you charge wildly into the future together because it is said that the family of the 21st century is made up of friends and I am proud to be part of yours.

---

There is no moment without meaning, no undertaking without significance. We ask that you both, together and as your own wonderful selves, be honored and expanded by the promises you are about to make, the marriage you are about to create. And may love, the destiny above all destinies, be always in your midst, the handmaid and the master of your marriage.

---

Having been reminded once again of the deep value of the love you feel as well as the strength of your individual presences in this union, I ask of you these questions. Do you, David, choose to marry Meggie in order to provide her with a lifetime of love, respect, adoration, humor, and awesomeness and also to create with her a loving home for the rest of the days of your life? Do you, Meggie, choose to marry David in order to provide him with a lifetime of love, respect, adoration, humor, and also to create with him a loving home in which he can play video games from time to time for the rest of the days of your life?

---

David and Meggie have chosen to write their own vows, so I’m going to let them take over. (David first)

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Rings are created solely for the purpose of being worn. On their own, their value is small no matter how high their price. Rings are made precious by our wearing them. They carry our meaning; they say who we are, where we have been, and where we are going. Worn, they become us and reflect us. These rings are a symbol of our truest essence and the bonds we have to one another. They are also very shiny, like the light with which you fill one another. They are also made of metal, which makes them hardcore and lasting, like your love. And they’re round, like love also is somehow.

You each will wear a ring on your finger as an outward expression of the way you wear each other in your hearts. These rings will remain forever, reminding you that even in solitude you are never alone. A reminder that before too long, they will clink together the next time you are able to grasp one another’s hands.

As a sign of my love
and that I am choosing
to share my whole life’s journey with you,
and of my knowing that in marrying
you I shall become much more than I am,
I give you this ring,
with the pledge
that with you
I shall become most truly myself
and offer such gifts as I have
and I am to the world

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Now having freely chosen to continue your growth and development in your own ways while strengthened by this union, knowing that you’ve taken up the task of clearly seeing, knowing, and supporting another human being, and having honored one another with the gift of your rings, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

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May all that you have already become, which has brought you to this day, and all you will become as a consequence of it, in the lifelong joining of your hearts and minds continue to show you your purpose. May you always be brought most beautifully and steadfastly into the presence of yourselves and of one another, and may you live long and happily fulfilling all that you are. Just remember, above all, to be excellent to one another.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce Mr. and Mrs. David C. Garcia

In the interest of full disclosure, I borrowed liberally from Weddings From The Heart, but heavily re-wrote the content. Most of what I took directly was structural.

There’s also a less true account of this ceremony over at These Stories Are True. Enjoy.

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For the past several weeks, my nemesis David and I have been working on a new humor site called These Stories Are True. We’ve been writing essays about a variety of topics that are completely factual and entirely made up. I think you should check it out. There are some links to it at the end of this post.

I’ve also been illustrating the essays, which has been a blast. The illustrations, much like the essays, are a little on the odd side.

For example:

and

You should check it out. This is me inviting you to look at These Stories Are True because you want to and because I’m telling you to.

These Stories Are True

8/4/2008 – THINGS WE LIKED BEFORE THEY WERE COOL
8/11/2008 – WE PITCH AN ACTION HORROR MOVIE
8/18/2008 – THESE PANTS ARE GREAT
8/25/2008 – THIS KID’S BIRTHDAY PARTY IS RETARDED

Join us Mondaily (my word…do not steal) for new updates. We’ll get your week started off right. If your week starts on Monday. Which it might not. If this is not the case, feel free to wait and read it whenever your week starts. Or read it when it’s new and then again when the week starts. Just read it. Let your eyeballs be pleasured.

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Example 4:
More on the subject of meat eaters. Have you ever heard of someone who eats just meat getting sick? Of course not. Proud men such as Macho Man Randy Savage, whose diet consists of Slim Jims and punching, never get sick, never get injured and will likely never die. As tasty as you may think vegetables are, they were never meant for consumption. Have we not learned anything from the Hippiesaurs? When Popeye first promoted spinach as being the man-maker that it is, a little piece of Nature died. Spinach was initially invented by Nature for the purpose of making ropes with which to hang imbeciles and whips to lash at hipsters. For decades, Nature held a grudge against Popeye. Hoping that the “eating spinach is cool” trend would eventually pass, Nature finally caved in 2006 and tainted every batch of the vegetable with E. Coli. While the death and illness associated with the tainted spinach pleased Nature, it was obvious that the human tendency towards lameness overrode any fear of death. So in 2007, Nature struck again, this time infecting the mushy vegetable with Salmonella. While not as theatrical as an asteroid, it seems Nature’s spoiling of vegetables seems to have been kind of effective in eliminating some of humanity’s less awesome. Just recently a new Salmonella outbreak was linked to tomatoes. Much like spinach was designed for purposes of violence, so were tomatoes. Designed to fit in the palm of one’s hand, the tomato was invented by Nature to be thrown at things that are displeasing (bad actors, people with incorrect opinions, Jehovah’s Witnesses). Tomatoes are a device of retaliation, much like a bullet. Perplexed as to why lesser humans would eat weapons like tomatoes and not bullets, Salmonella seemed to be the right way to go again.

Example 5:
The one thing that slid out of Nature’s control? Bugs. The early bugs of the Age of Dinosaurs were also carnivorous and were roughly the size of buses. More like school buses than charter buses. But not the smaller ones or the new-fangled ones that don’t look like they have engines. Old school…school…buses. Nature hates school buses. No, wait. Bugs.

The one thing that slid out of Nature’s control? Bugs. The early bugs of the Age of Dinosaurs were also carnivorous and were VERY LARGE. These bugs were intended for collecting pollen from some plants (ambush shields) on their filthy, hairy bodies and smearing it all over other plants to make them get bigger and more plentiful. But at some point, these creatures started eating the plants they were intended to be the pimps for. This was planned. The wily insects started chomping down all at once. Without meat, their bodies began to shrink and they got faster. Nature attempted to swat them, but most were too small and fast to get caught or smooshed. This scared Nature and still does. Insects are only allowed to survive because Nature is afraid of them.

So what have we all learned from this? What more do we know about Nature? Aside from the fact that Nature is a fan of meat, pina coladas and the accuracy of the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, we’ve probably learned nothing. Unless Nature just loses its mind again and heaves another space bouler at Earth, humans will continue to rave, eat vegetables and be smartasses. It’s sad but it’s true. The most dynamic of all animal species is still plagued with idiocy and lameness that can only be taken care of with an extinction level event. Oh well.

Example 1:
It is well documented that a particular group of humans called “ravers” suck. This is not just an opinion, it is a biological fact. Ravers tend to enjoy dancing erratically to distinctly annoying noise they refer to as “techno music.” Often the dancing is enhanced by drugs either crafted chemically or retreived from cow dung. Much like lesser organisms such as insects are attracted to light, so are ravers. If the planetary survival playing field was evened, humans would themselves have a hard time making it. Ravers would not stand a chance, and Nature is fully aware of this. A recent news release reported on a group of ravers in Moscow who were blinded by lasers at an illegal rave concert. Apparently, a fair amount of the ravers participating were left 80-percent blind by some of the lasers at the show. While the ravers in question may survive, they will unlikely ever dance again, and therefore stand little chance at reproducing. True story. While one may simply dismiss this as an ironic mishap, more inquisitive minds may find more depth to such a story. Is Nature perhaps engaging in more tactical operations to actively eliminate certain elements of humanity? Obviously without any sort intervention, Nature can only be assured that the human species will allow humans such as ravers to continue to exist. Did Nature tinker with the lasers at this show in an effort to hinder their ability to continue sucking? Is nature somehow engaged in tactical operations against humanity? Let’s examine further…

Example 2:
In the early days of evolution, bacteria became fish. Fish then became amphibious in order to go onto the sand and almost die. Eventually, life rose up from the oceans and moved further from the shorelines. This was a smart move. Water can lead to such annoyances as drowning and soggy sandwiches, making it a fairly natural enemy to what would eventually become man. But leave it to a certain group of humans to stay too close to the water line. In recent years, Nature has made its displeasure with this stubborn lot more than evident. Hurricane Katrina was like an eco-friendly atomic bomb to the Gulf of Mexico, telling the victims of the storm that their time precariously balanced between bayou and big ocean was at an end. In 2004, an earthquake in the Indian Ocean left approximately 255,000 inconsiderate island dwellers dead in the wake of the tsunami it caused. The ocean acted as Nature’s purifying spear, reminding humans that water is for fish, surfing dogs, and mermen and that living on an island surrounded by water is like living somewhere else surrounded by something really dangerous. Like a merry-go-round ringed with razor blades or something.

Example 3:
One of the things Nature truly abhors it is a smartass, and with a human population density now surpassing six billion, the amount of smartasses is increasing exponentially. During the Age of the Dinosaurs, the Hippiesaurs were themselves smartasses and would often sit around at cafes drinking soy lattes and poking fun at Tyrannosaurs for their minuscule arms. Millions of years later, the human equivalent of the Hippisaurus smartass still exists. What particularly interests these cocky breeds is the pestering and exploitation of nature’s golden-children – the pure bloodthirsty animal. While not well-equipped to think about anything but eating flesh, nature’s predators are equipped to viciously attack. Some scientists have argued our earth’s predators may be getting more and more ferocious. Unbeknownst to scientists, Nature is secretly encouraging earth’s carnivores to kill more and kill harder. To wit, in 2003 Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy fame was mauled by one of his tigers during a show. Secret documents would later reveal that during the show, Roy whispered to the tiger, “I am better than you. I like vegetables.” You do the math. And what about the recent tiger attacks at the San Diego Zoo? Something tells me the smartasses who were attacked would have been left alone had they not waved their opposable thumbs at the tigers and bragged about being bipedal and omnivorous. Then there is Steve Irwin, a man whose career was founded on taunting nature’s prouder killing machines. If Steve Irwin had been taunting cows, vegans or ravers (on land, not in water), Nature may not have encouraged that stingray to uppercut Irwin’s heart with its spiky tail.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Any biologist worth his weight in sodium chloride subscribes to Darwin’s theory of evolution and its basic tenet of survival of the fittest. If these simple ideas don’t ring a bell, then you, my friend, should stop reading as you are unfit. With any luck you are sterile and will not be able to pass on your seed.

Anyhoo…

A few hundred million years ago (maybe billions, you never know), Nature invented the all-governing principle of “survival of the fittest” in an effort to keep living things that suck from reproducing and creating an overpopulation of pure suck. Over the millenia, Nature’s rule for maintaining some semblance of coolness has itself evolved. Much like ancient gods, Nature was once vengeful and very hands-on in its wrath. Nature was also fond of pina coladas and getting caught in the rain that it, itself, created.

For a majority of the scientifically documented Age of the Dinosaurs, every single dinosaur was a carnivore. Contrary to what you may have read in school (or the “learning factory”), the world was not comprised of a mish-mash of herbivores and carnivores. Believe it or do, dinosaurs like the brachiosaur were actually bloodthirsty, meat-eating machines whose necks were not elongated so they could reach the tops of trees. In fact, their graceful, water-slide-like necks were a useful resource for capturing and chomping down on high-flying pterosaurs. True story. Like all good things, however, an end had to come. One day a group of Hippiesaurs (Hippiesaurus retardus) decided to go vegetarian. This pissed Nature off to no end. Nature had adorned the earth with lush greenery not for their purpose of eating but for the purpose of providing excellent hiding spots for hungry meat-eaters to lie in wait for their next meal. This, of course, is where the word “ambush” comes from. Angered at the prospect of a planet full of ungrateful plant-eaters, Nature hurled a giant asteroid at the Earth, effectively ending millions of years of blood-soaked awesomeness. Nature had deemed the dinosaurs unfit to survive and had done what needed to be done to put an end to it.

As a side note, there are several alternate theories about dinosaur extinction. These theories involve mammals eating dinosaur eggs, supernovas causing lethal radiation doses, and methane levels causing changes to the atmosphere. The most likely of the alternate theories (which are wrong) is that one dinosaur became a zombie dinosaur. You might watch Dawn Of The Dead and think zombies are shambling, avoidable, pitiful creatures. But those weren’t zombie effing TYRANNOSAURUS REXES. One zombiesaurus begat another and so on. It’s the perfect theory because it’s awesome and hard to disprove aside from the fact that it never, ever happened.

The eradication of the dinosaurs led to some pretty serious reflection for Nature and it was ultimately decided that heaving a giant rock at the planet, while awesome, was maybe a bit much. Nature decided to kind of step back for a while after this. After repopulating the earth with a variety of furry animals of ranging sizes, appetites and intellects, Nature stepped back, deciding the best thing to do would be to let the planets’ inhabitants decide which would be best to survive. This lead to the type of evolution we are all familiar with.

After incinerating the dinosaurs, Nature tolerated an array of ridiculous animals – most of which were furry and “cute.” Undoubtedly, these creatures will meet their ends, being passively phased out through the drawn-out process of natural selection. However, Nature did not take into consideration one particular species: humans. Granted, humans are generally annoying and stupid (and fat, for the most part), but a handful of these creatures have perpetuated our species, allowing us to overcome some of the roadblocks Nature’s plan has put into place. However, certain evidence seems to indicate Nature may be breaking some of its newer ways in favor of older, more proactive methods in dealing with human beings.

CONTINUED HERE!

I could talk about the recent passings of Will Elder and Sydney Pollack, but I don’t have the energy. Also, it seems like all the posts I did for a while involved dead people and that’s not really what I want this place to become. I will say that Will Elder is a huge influence of mine and I wouldn’t be half the cartoonist I am if I hadn’t come across his early work for the Mad comic. Amazing, amazing stuff. And Sydney Pollack? What’s there to say? Amazing body of work. Both will be missed.

There are two new projects I’m working on right now that I’m excited about, but I don’t want to get into either of them until more work has been done. So that’s out. But my collaborators on these projects are awesome. There’s a third one, too, if I can squeeze out the time. That one should be a lot of fun as well.

I’ve never really gone into my personal personal life here and I’m not about to start, so there’s that.

I’ll find something. Everyday. No matter how minute.

Baby carrots are delicious.

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