I need to make two things clear before I continue. The first is that I have been an almost-lifetime fan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (I say almost because I was released before they were). I watched the original cartoon show, have collections of the first comics, littered my room with toys and little brown swords, etc. From the time I first discovered them until way past the point I should have let them go, they were a major part of my life.

The second point I’d like to make is that I’m neither defending nor condemning Michael Bay. In fact, I’m not even taking a stand on the movie itself. Unlike some people on the internet, I don’t have the magic power to know how a movie that is still in pre-production will eventually turn out and am likewise unqualified to review a film that is literally just words and sketches on paper at this time.

Let’s get into the big concerns, shall we?

THE INTEGRITY OF THE FRANCHISE

A concern I’ve heard expressed is that the changing of the origin will somehow impact the integrity of the franchise because aliens are less plausible than pet turtles who can barely move around turning into ninjitsu-wielding man-turtles after a dousing with intergalactic ooze. For the sake of this piece, we’ll pretend that point of view makes enough sense to even justify discussing it.

TMNT started out as a joke when Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird combined Marvel’s New Mutants with the ninjas of Frank Miller’s Daredevil and Ronin works. This is evident in the original comics. It was a gag. But, like Dave Sim’s Cerebus started out as a parody of sword-and-sorcery comics like Conan, TMNT became something much greater. The comics took the Turtles from ancient times teaming up with other small-press characters to far-off intergalactic arenas fighting the Triceratons.

The first television cartoon series started in 1987. More than likely, this is the version of the Turtles with which you are most familiar. While the original comic book adventures were darker, more violent and all of our heroes had red headbands, this new spin simplified things for children. The vengeful, dangerous Shredder of the comics gave way to the James Avery-voiced minion of Krang. Their initials were added to their belts and each turtle was color-coded to make things easier for smaller attention spans. In short, nearly everything from the original comic series changed to make the cartoon possible and attractive to a wider audience. “The origin was never changed!” you scream. I shush you.

I’m going to assume this is about where you left things. Your last memories and, possibly, only memories of the franchise itself came from that original cartoon series (possibly also the original movies) and you’ll be darned if anything comes along to change that!

Here are some things you might have missed:

• A live-action TV series that introduced female turtle Venus De Milo
• A 2007 CGI film that struck a nice balance between the comics and original cartoon
• A movie in which they traveled in time back to Feudal Japan
• Another animated series in which the participated in a Mortal Kombat-style tournament and also traveled 100 years into the future
• An Image Comics series that saw half of Raphael’s face disfigured, Leonardo losing a hand and Donatello grafting with a robotic body after becoming paralyzed due to a shattered shell
• Action figures that cast them as everything from Transformers to superheroes (designed by Jim Lee, even!)
• A concert tour sponsored by Pizza Hut in which they performed songs like “Coming Out of Our Shells” and “Pizza Power”

Obviously the fandom that’s currently concerned about the future of the franchise was okay with all of these follow-up projects, right? Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, but I don’t recall seeing the petitions.

TRANSFORMERS

Interestingly enough, the loudest and whiniest opinions about Michael Bay don’t seem to match the success of his career. That seems a bit odd, doesn’t it?

Let’s assume that when Michael Bay started working on Transformers, you were hesitant but maybe a little excited. Then you started seeing the character designs and saying things like “Why does Optimus Prime have a mouth?” or “Why is Megatron so spiky?” I know I did. But I looked forward to it. And when I saw it, I had a great time. As an avid watcher of the original Transformers cartoon and collector of its toys, I didn’t find my love of the fandom affected at all. In fact, it brought back a long-dormant interest in action figures that transform (I bought over $150 worth of toys after seeing the movie) and I had a good time with it. Did I wince when Optimus Prime said “My bad” or when Bumblebee urinated oil on John Turturro? Sure. But a lot of people hated the whole movie and the entire experience. In fact, it only pulled in $710 million dollars.

Wait, that doesn’t seem right. Of course, the crowds all went in blindly and didn’t know how much they would dislike it. Clearly this would be a cautionary tale for whatever future sequels might come along. And, in fact, the second Transformers movie, Revenge of the Fallen, only brought in $836 millon. Hold on, that’s more.

It’s widely acknowledged that RotF was an inferior entry in the series. Even Michael Bay said so. With their faith shaken, savvy, angry audiences had said “Enough is enough, Michael Bay! These movies are terrible!” I think you know where I’m going with this. The third film made over a billion dollars.

You may complain about Michael Bay’s movies and methods and call him Lord Destructor of Childhoods (more on that nonsense shortly), but you watch his movies. And I know this because I see so many rabid complaints about so many specific moments in the flicks that there’s no way you haven’t. Some I have to take your word on because I didn’t see the second one. It looked silly and I’m an American human that can make his own choices about what films he sees. But you might’ve. And every ticket sold says “Please, sir, may I have some more? You’re doing it just right.”

YOUR CHILDHOOD

Michael Bay is not a time traveler. Unless you’re still a child (in which case you’ve certainly abandoned interest in this and moved on to something else), your childhood is over. It’s time-locked. It cannot change. The only impact your present life can have on your past life is if you stir up some repressed memories of wonderful or horrible things. And even then, there’s just the potential to change your perceptions of growing up. Everything that happened still happened and nothing short of an evil time-traveling director can change that.

If someone tears down your childhood home, your childhood still happened. Should your accountant parents suddenly become roving carnies wandering from town to town in search of thrills and funnel cake batter ingredients, they were still accountants the whole time you grew up. And if someone changes something about some characters you liked as a kid, YOUR CHILDHOOD IS FULLY INTACT. If a lack of change is so very important to you, know that the ways in which these fictional characters were initially presented to you still exist on DVD, in reprint comics and on eBay where all the action figures live that we don’t play with any more.

If you really, truly, incorrectly believe that the very fiber of your childhood is at risk when this movie exists, pretend it does not. Don’t see it. Don’t feed the machine. That is your right as a consumer. Skip it. I dare you to ignore it. There will be a three or four month burst where the commercials are on TV and the toys are in the Kids meals and the buzz is all a-buzzy. Ignore it and find something else to do. You’re stronger than marketing, right?

By the way…a moment about Robbie Rist, the actor who said Michael Bay was “sodomizing” the franchise by making the Turtles aliens and referred to Bay “raping our childhood memories.” (Robbie Rist, by the way, did the voice of Michelangelo in the three live-action movies and is also notable for playing Cousin Oliver, final nail in The Brady Bunch’s coffin.) As I stated, Robbie, if something in the present affects your memories from childhood, you need to reassess how seriously you take things. And if you’re willing to equate someone making a movie with a violent sexual crime, you immediately lose the right to be taken seriously yourself.

THE ORIGIN DOES NOT MATTER

There are several things about TMNT that are very important, but mostly it’s the feel. It’s the setup and the dynamic. It is not the origin. In fact, the origin itself is inconsistent depending on which media you follow. In the comics, it was a cannister of ooze created by a race of outer space brain creatures that bounced out of a truck. In the cartoon and movies, it was altered to be more terrestrial. Both of these ooze origins were incredibly important to the storylines that followed, but had no bearing on the characters (the characters themselves also vary from medium to medium, but whatever).

Look, you want green guys with shells who have ninja equipment. You want Raphael grumpy, Donatello nerdy, Michelangelo partying and Leonardo vanilla. These are things that may or may not happen in Michael Bay’s movie. In fact, the characters may wind up being regular turtles from Mars that land on Earth and get splashed with a mutagenic ooze. We don’t know any of these things. The most important part of this whole entertainment experience is the entertainment part. Will it be good and be handled respectfully?

I don’t know. And neither do you.

So shut up about it. Don’t fight it because it’s going to happen no matter how hurt your feelings are. If you’re still dissatisfied when it comes out, don’t see it. Read reviews. Ask a friend who saw it for his or her opinion. You can’t do anything about how it’s made, but you can make decisions about how you handle it once it is. If you’re not interested, don’t see it.

I dare you.

The Dark Knight is currently poised to destroy every major box office record in the history of cinema. Having already smashed opening day and weekend records, the trends indicate it may overtake 1997′s Titanic as the high-grossing film of all time. This is an impressive feat for any movie, but my interest is held by the fact that it’s a Batman movie.

The concept of Batman has always had a place in pop culture, constantly reinventing and adapting itself. In the early comics, it was the darker approach of a regular guy righting wrongs from the shadows that caught the attention of a country already growing weary of the boy scout image portrayed by Superman and the characters he inspired. In the 1960s, there was the camp TV series that brought Batman and Robin to the public forefront with a take on the characters that would forever stain any serious discussion with “POW”s and “WHAM”s and “Holy this and that, Batman!” Counter to how the Dark Knight was portrayed in the original comics, this version provided a new lexicon for reporters to use when talking about anything related to comics (even now, as the public gets used to the darker, grimier version brought to us by Christopher Nolan). Tim Burton blended the dark and the camp in 1989′s Batman and 1992′s Batman Returns. The other pre-Nolan Batfilms don’t warrant mention (aside from their resaturation of the stains on the character’s image). The various Batman cartoons have all had their whack at the legend, most notably Batman: The Animated Series, a show that was kid- and fanboy-approved.

Batman, it seems, has always been around, forever adapting and changing. So why is it that The Dark Knight has risen to such mind-boggling heights? While ever-present, Batman has never been as popular or admired as the superheroes in brighter tights like Superman and Spider-Man. More than likely, The Dark Knight has set the world on fire based simply on the fact that it never lets itself act like a superhero movie. Unlike its predecessor Batman Begins, which only started acting like a comic book film when the big microwave bomb was headed into the heart of Gotham, The Dark Knight is a thriller, an action film, and a sociopolitical allegory wrapped into a tightly-weaved (yet needlessly long) film.

Batman Begins wasn’t without its own allegorical moments. A terrorist group (one that literally caused terror with a fear gas) using a public transportation method to crash down everything in mid-town Gotham? That story has been lived through, although admittedly with less Gary Oldman. But The Dark Knight sets itself up from the get-go. Batman is America (vascillating between its citizens and its government), the Joker is terror, the Underworld is the rest of the world. The Joker is wild, unpredictable, and impossible to reason with. Batman goes to extreme lengths (such as essentially wire-tapping the entirety of Gotham City) as way to restore order. At the same time, the ultimate symbol of hopeful justice, Harvey Dent, is corrupted along the way. Even the Joker’s creation, which we assume is a direct result of Batman’s presence in Gotham, rings of the true reasons behind the terror attacks we’ve faced in this country. In the end, we’re watching our world on screen for two and a half hours, played out with puppets in armor and purple suits.

The resolution, however, is ideal. And it’s the build to that resolution is what keeps people in their seats. Batman (America) catches the terrorist leader (The Joker) using his own means. He becomes reviled in the name of How It Should Be Done, but it’s for a good reason. As the credits roll, we see Batman in the perfect position. Safer yet still living by his own terms. He lost some things that were important to him, like his girl and the shining, scarred version of Justice represented by Harvey Dent. Are these losses acceptable? That’s to be determined in the final film of Nolan’s planned trilogy. One that will, no doubt, make another outlandish payday for those involved and hopefully frighten, entertain, and empathize with the American public. As long as it doesn’t suffocate itself in convoluted plots like Pirates 3 or Spider-Man 3, I think we’re in for another treat.

It’s still amazing to think that Batman will likely sit perched atop the list of film records, cape billowing in the wind. To a point it helps legitamize the industry of comic books, but it transcends that “genre” with such facility that it’s hard to even apply its success to its source. It would be great to see a reversal, in fact, and see some comics coming out that match The Dark Knight in its twisting plot-lines and solid, real-world characterization of unreal characters but using those elements unique to graphic storytelling to take it even farther. There are a few out there, but they are few and far between. The immediate thought is Watchmen, but even that is so grounded in the fantastic that it’s hard to compare.

What The Dark Knight teaches us is that source material and flash are irrelevant when you have a solid interpretation, a masterful storyteller, and the right amount of social resonance. I’m not saying I want to see a Superman movie fitting the same template, but The Dark Knight makes me crave more intensity in my moviegoing, not just in the action sense, but in the emotional and psychological. Tell me a story I already know, but do it in a format and a way I never knew could work so well. Teach me about myself and the world around me. Make me think and cringe and cheer all at once. The Dark Knight did it. And it’s going to be as much of a legend as Batman himself ever was.

It took them 20 years, but Monster Squad is finally out on DVD. I remember watching this movie over and over again on tape and HBO, soaking in every moment like a Gillman soaking in swamp water. I watched it again last night to see if it would hold up and, somehow, it got better. If you’ve never heard of or seen Monster Squad, that’s a personality flaw in need of immediate correction. Because the Wolfman has nards. And that’s important.

I did get sad during the bonus features after realizing that Fat Kid died 10 years ago of pneumonia. As we watched the retrospective and they talked about everyone else, I quipped “Oh, watch…they’re not showing Fat Kid because he’s dead.” Then they started showing slow motion clips of Fat Kid whining, whimpering, and brandishing a shot gun with soft music playing behind it. Then I knew that I was right. Poor Fat Kid.

His name…was Horace.

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I have to warn you now that the term “douche bag” is thrown around rather regularly during this discourse.

Original E-Mail: “Be advised that [such and such client] will soon change [IDs]. Stand by.”

My Awesome Response: “Red Five standing by.” And then it continues (with me in bold).

“Red Five is Luke Skywalker. I don’t think you are as whiny as Luke Skywalker. ”

“Well, thank you. I appreciate that. What was Wedge? Red Two? I’ll be Wedge.”

“Just don’t be Porkins, because he has the worst name of all time.”

“You know, Porkins was also the corrupt cop in Batman.”

“The one who said ‘Where you been spendin’ your nights Jack?’ Dang. At least he got smoked in that movie too.”

“Yeah, Wedge is Red Two according to wikipedia. Who said ‘Just a peckin’ on the surface?’ I want to be that guy. Wasn’t Porkins the guy how was trying to pull up and crashed? Douche bag.”

“Porkins was the fat guy, making his name all the more unfortunate. Seriously, though, the rebels lived on a moon with limited resources. How was there a fat guy? And I always thought it was “just impacted on the surface.” That, I believe, was Red Leader. I think he led the first attempt.”

“I don’t know who that was, nor do I really know what that guy says. You said ‘peckin’ and I recently said ‘skimmed,’ but ‘impacted’ also crossed my mind just now. either way, Porkins was a douche bag in both Star Wars and Batman.”

“True. Impacted it is. there’s also a fat guy on Lost, which I always wondered about because they’re on an island. which is kind of like a moon with limited resources where fat douche bags who blow up and then play corrupt cops in Batman are found.”

“It’s sort of baffling in the first season, but then they find the magic hatch that’s got a huge food storehouse. Maybe Porkins didn’t have his own quarters and slept in the rebellion’s rebellious pantry. And was a sleep snacker. A rebellious sleep snacker.”

“It’s the ‘Mysterious Fat Guy When There are Limited Resources’ Hollywood phenomenon.”

“Ha ha…I might have to put this whole conversation on my website.”

“Dude this is hil-AR-ious. Put it on the website. Did Porkins fly the X-wing or Y-wing? Brandon?”

“X-Wing. He was in the Red Squadron, after all. Gosh.”

When people ask me what I do at work all day, a smile always crosses my face. “Oh you know,” I’ll say behind a coy facade, “the usual. Same ol’, same ol’. Anyone want to watch Star Wars and Batman back-to-back!?”

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The Nightmare Collection.

I’ve spent the last several days watching seven of the crappiest films ever captured on celluloid and enjoying every blood-soaked, tongue-phoned, claw-scratched moment of it. I thought you’d like to know what I’ve been doing with my time. Because I know you worry.

By the way…don’t fall asleep.

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Rent played a very important role in my life. The lyrics bolstered my courage to take advantage of an important interpersonal situation that presented itself, as “Another Day” gave way to “No Day But Today” (I know I’m losing non-fans here, but whatever). Rent gave a bond to me and several people in a way I couldn’t have imagined before. The liberating feeling that really getting Rent provides can takes a slightly conservative somewhat reserved college roommate and have him wearing girls’ pajama pants at Wal-Mart at 3:00 in the morning or howling out songs in a small amphitheatre at 4:00. There’s a punch and power to Rent that if you haven’t spent time getting to know it, seeing it, and really welcoming its lessons, can’t translate to other forms.

But, man, I think they’ve done it. Director Christopher Colombus (Home Alone? Harry Potter? GREMLINS?) would have never been my first choice (for no justifiable reason…I just wouldn’t have thought of that). But watching the newly-released trailer gives me a really, REALLY good feeling about it. Check it out here:

So? Goosebumps? If not, it’s okay…you’re not all dorked up about this flick like I am. Trust me, though, you’ll want to see it…and you’ll enjoy it. I’ll be talking about it again as the date approaches. Maybe we can trade thoughts on it in Mid-November after we’ve all seen it.

Oh yeah, the movie’s official site is here.

The plot was a thing of sitcom silliness (with a touch of 1959′s Doris Day/Rock Hudson film Pillow Talk) involving a womanizing playboy magazine columnist (Ewan McGregor) taking on a simple, down-home false identity to trick the author of a book decrying love (Renée Zellweger) into falling in love.

I liked the movie quite a bit. It was nothing more or less than the zany comedy I expected it to be. And for a movie set in the early 60s, it’s incredibly sexual…both in the “Austin Powers” style of images coming together and in verbal miscommunications leading a secretary, for example, to believe that it’s more than McGregor’s sock that’s 16 inches long.

McGregor is a charming if slightly quirky leading man, not quite the man’s man of a Cary Grant or Rock Hudson, but slick enough to slide across the screen without looking goofy. In the guise of his character’s alter-ego, McGregor played a fantastic backwoods, naive southern astronaut in a charming if slightly quirky way. Zellweger was entertaining, but one more hammy look of shock or moment of puckered lips and I may have had to just start looking at other parts of the screen every time she appeared. She didn’t ruin the movie by any means and, in fact, kept up the illusion of the 1960′s era romantic comedy. I just felt like I was seeing more Zellweger than Novak most of the time and that always grates on me.

David Hyde Pierce (formerly of Frasier) and Sarah Paulson (currently of Deadwood) put in some of film’s best performances as the sidekicks of the unlikely primary couple. I’ve loved David Hyde Pierce’s work since first seeing him on the short-lived Norman Lear sitcom The Powers that Be and he was just as flustered and engaging as ever. Paulson, who I haven’t really seen in very much, was a good even match for Pierce’s goofiness.

All in all, I was in the mood for fun without strings and got what I wanted out of Down with Love. The flick’s take on twists and surprise endings is cute, if a little long-winded. Enjoy!