Theories About Tuesday

It’s a well-known fact that the names of the days of the week come from a variety of origins. Monday, for instance, is named after the moon (get it? MOONday?) and was named so by a council of werewolves who felt Earth’s satellite deserved some recognition for enabling their very being. Wednesday is named after Odin (WODENSDAY), the Papa Smurf of Norse mythology, and was named as such by a council of Norse nerds (called Nords) with tremendously bad spelling.

But where did Tuesday come from? Is it as simple as you’d think or is it some Illuminati conspiracy to keep Norse gods away from the moon? In lieu of research or actual, reasonable thought, I’m going to speculate. After all, that’s how we figured out that dinosaurs were used as appliances and heavy machinery by the cavemen.

    TWO“Tue” is a way to spell the word “two” if you can’t spell. With this in mind, consider that Tuesday is the second day of the week for people under the impression that the week starts on Monday. How does this tie into the word’s origins? Easily. The second day could be considered day number two. Or Tue, in this case. Just as Thursday was originally celebrated as Thor’s Day (another Norse God/Marvel Comics character), this could simply be a misspelling, intentional or otherwise. Perhaps some nefarious force is working against the proper use of words. Or maybe those making the naming decisions were rappers (although it could be argued it would like be more like 2Z-Day in that case).
    SCOTAs every human and/or werewolf knows, the beloved traditional Scottish dish haggis is made using a combination of ingredients disgustingly prepared inside an animal stomach. One of these ingredients is suet, a type of hard fat extracted from cows, lambs, and maybe giraffes. Suet is a rather common ingredient in other UK-area dishes such as spotted dick; this fact is irrelevant, but giggle-worthy. In the early days of day-name-creation, the Scottish weren’t in any way influential. With all of the good spots being snatched up by Nords and werewolves, the Scots wanted to cram themselves into the week. Knowing they couldn’t be too terribly overt, the Scots concealed their favorite ingredient in the words Tuesday by moving the letters in “suet” around to form “tues”.
    GENGHISIn 1220, Genghis Khan’s Mongol conquest (GK’S 1220 WORLD TOUR! WOOO!) led him to the quaint city of Tous, Iran. After enjoying a night in one of the city’s many comfortable bed and breakfasts, Mr. Khan pretty much destroyed the whole town with only a skateboard, bat, and an assortment of protective sports gear. There was also a small trampoline involved. All of this, you can imagine, happened on a Tuesday (which at that point was either known generally as Today, Tomorrow, or Yesterday). In order to commemorate the loss of Tous and its variety of antique shops (or, as they were known at the time, shops) and massage parlors, the Snords or werewolves sloppily turned Tous into Tues and stuck it into the week. Now that I think about it, it might not have been a spelling issue nearly as much as a penmanship problem. Perhaps they were just as sloppy at writing as they were creating deities (a mischief god? really?) and/or being kicked in the nards.
    THORAccording to Wikipedia, the Tuesday conspiracy breaks down to this: “The name comes from Middle English Twisday, from Old English Tiwes dæg, named after the Nordic god Tyr, who was the equivalent of the Roman war god Mars, and Greek god Ares.” The full article is here and the whole thing is as ridiculous as that first sentence would lead you to believe. Apparently this Tyr fellow was eventually squeezed out of popularity by a rising interest in Thor and Odin probably around 1962 when Thor made his first appearance in Marvel Comics’ Journey Into Mystery #83. This issue was brought to audiences by the Nord writer Stan Lee and werewolf artist Jack Kirby. Serving of conspiracy? I’ll have two.

So there you have it. A buffet of delicious theories with which to fill up your brain bowl. I look forward on hearing your theories as well as accepting your truth-uncovering awards (such as the Nosy and the Truthy). Also, if there’s an award for awesome, semi-obscure 80s movie references, I’ll be expecting that one as well.


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