05.28I Need A Rocket Launcher
The number of inconsiderate, stupid drivers on the road is astounding. I drive a little on the faster side more than strictly necessary, but never at the expense of communicating with other drivers or actually cutting people off. I long for the ability to pull people over, get them out of their vehicles, and then blow the vehicles up so they don’t have them anymore. Automobiles should be deserved and so few deserve them.
If you don’t use your turn signal instinctively, you’re a bad driver. This isn’t an opinion, this is pure fact. If you’re not accustomed to driving properly in such a fashion that the idea of turning makes your hand hit the signal lever, you have no business being on the road. Not only is it dangerous (“Oh, you’re going to slow down and turn now? Awesome…wish I’d KNOWN YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT”) it’s incredibly inconsiderate. If I’ve been sitting at an intersection waiting for you to slowly pass by and you turn at the last second, rendering my wait useless, that’s just rude. People do it all the time and it makes no sense to me. Use your turn signal. Use it. All the time. Even in the middle of nowhere with no one around…it keeps you in practice.
Stupid, selfish behavior isn’t even limited to moving vehicles. There’s this ridiculous mindset that after parking on the side of the road, it’s fun to just swing the car door open and get out. Or worse, open the door and then lean over and collect your things, one leg waving at ongoing traffic. Look at your mirrors and see if there are cars coming. If there are not, then open your door. I make a point of getting as close as possible to the doors of these types of people. If I had an indestructible car and/or a lot of money, I would have a collection of doors wedged in my grill.
When you’re at a stop light, your only job is to watch the light and then go when it turns green. It’s no time to scan the newspaper, apply makeup, or find that Tootsie Roll you dropped a week ago. The inability to comply with a simple task like watching a light is infuriating. That inconvenience is frustrating, but the delay would be worth it if I spent it blowing up people’s cars.
I realize all this is just an extension of the general public’s self-absorption and all-around ignorance, but I can pretty much avoid everybody if I want. Except on the road. The general public is all over the roads getting in my way, throwing trash, and making me mad.
Rocket. Launcher.
b
True, true, true. Although, you forgot to mention that you drive like a maniac.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Not always. And never in a way that actually affects other drivers. I’m a considerate maniac.
b
May 28th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Yeah, except no. When I get in the car with you, I pretend there is a God, and then I pray to him. I have seen your car lift off the wheels when you turn. Literally LIFT.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I’ve seen you tear down our street. It’s frightening.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Hey, did you hear about some of the sweet stuff David can do? I would have commented earlier, but I was so caught up in all the stuff David can do. Sorry.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Not to be a negative input, but perhaps it’s this type of writing that causes people to not write happy, ego-inflating, congratulatory things on your blog. While I certainly do understand your frustration (they drive me crazy, too), we readers don’t want to be reminded of the droll, boring, or frustrating events of a day, we want to be swept up in whimsey and awesome. These things are more readily found in David’s blog. So…I suppose that’s one more thing he can do better than you can.
But seriously, I don’t know that I trust you (or anyone, really) with a rocket launcher. Mostly because I know that one day, I’ll forget one of your little tips accidentally (most probably just flinging the door open and getting out without looking) and then my car will be blown up.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Nothing has made it more apparent that some people are just too goddamn stupid or callous to drive a car properly than driving to Northern Virginia every day. Personally, I would advocate all drivers be given a shotgun with one shell loaded, and give all these drivers carte blanche to shoot one shitty driver in the fucking head. This commute is honestly one of the most horrible, stressful experiences of my entire life, and I would not wish it on anyone–and all of you crazy bastards who do this every day? I am not lying when I say you are crazy. Only a crazy person would willingly put up with the commute to Northern Virginia.
You should watch Shoot ‘Em Up for Clive Owen’s character’s little diatribe on bad drivers.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Short Pants, why are you so mean? I mean, you’re mean. I mean it. Meanie.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I just figured I’d jump on the bandwagon when we were all declaring David a god (…wait…didn’t he already do that?) and kicking Brandon while he was down. Now if you’ll just give me a little extra room, I need to use an elbow drop to finish him before he can get back up.
May 30th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
None of this is interesting. *I* am interesting because I have a kickass job, and I’m going on my first business trip ever in two weeks.
And Ben, the commute sucks–and I’ve only done it one day so far. Sad face.
May 31st, 2008 at 4:17 pm