One of the nice things about having a website and blog is that I can see how people got around to finding it. Referring links, search engine queries, etc. It’s a fascinating process seeing how the Internet is weaved together, etc. When I first registered and started blogging on brandonjcarr.com over five years ago, I was obsessed with tracking stats. Now it’s of occasional interest. My infrequent posting doesn’t have me expecting much traffic (although I get substantially more than I feel I deserve).

I decided to check out the stats today. Wow. One of the statistics you can monitor is what people have typed into search engines to find your site. I like that part. It’s neat. But what I’m seeing on there now is straight-up unnerving. So much so that I’m issuing a warning. Everything from here on may contain gross and impolite words. You’ve been warned just now by my warning.

Here’s a list of the top 20 search queries used in the first week of May to find posts on my site along with my comments on each. This is where the fun starts.

• brandon carr
  This makes sense. I am Brandon Carr.
• black and mild
  I had a post that briefly mentioned Black and Milds, so this one makes sense. I guess. Its ranking on the list is bizarre, but traffic is traffic.
• brandon j carr
  Yes, this is also me. Good, good.
• venti black eye
  This obviously caught my post about how I order coffee drinks, which I enjoyed. I like how this is going.
• photos of my slut wife comments
  Naturally, this is…wait, what?
• homemade ink fountain pen
  Again, this is the entry about fountain pens and…photos of my slut wife? Comments? Really?
• filipina glory hole girls
  Holy crap. How this got around to my site I have yet to figure out. I’m hesitant to do the same search myself. Mainly because I have things to do and I’d probably wind up doing “deep research” on these poor Filipinas.
• steve guest cartoonist
  Okay…moving on. Yeesh. I think this one saw that I’d blogged about my guest strip for Beaver and Steve, a favorite comic of mine. Those poor girls.
• j brandon
  Close enough, I guess.
• computers internet blog
  How someone got to the ten billionth page or wherever I’m listed under “computers internet blog” is amazing. Good perseverance, guy or gal.
• weird adventures in unemployment
  My comic for Platinum Studios has been mentioned here several times. That makes sense. Okay, head’s starting to clear a little now.
• pencity coupon
  Again in reference to the fountain pen post. I had no idea that post would be so diversely found.
• dork stuff
  One of my categories on this blog is Dork Stuff and I tend to use it a lot because I’m a dork.
• bacon comic
  I don’t…recall doing a bacon comic. I drew some evil bacon for my profile over at ComicSpace, but that’s about it.
• dog knotted in pussy stories
  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
• cum eating creampie goldenshower
  Now that’s just gross. I mean, the combination of those things. Handled separately I have no problem with. But mixed to…dog knotted…what the crap?
• joe brandon carr
  I have a good buddy named Joe. I wonder if he knows what that dog thing is all about. And WHY IT LINKED TO ME.
• low feathering fountain pen
  Fountain pens, yeah we get it. Man, I feel gross.
• free pictures teenage penis
  NO! There is none of that here! You dog knotters and pie lovers and free teenage penis picture wanters GO AWAY!
• blog my black eye
  I NEED COFFEE NOW

So there you go. Apparently brandonjcarr.com is a breeding ground for things that have internet connections in the cracks and crevices in which they live. Perhaps some sort of under-rock FIOS, maybe.

I need to take a shower.

b

Filed under: Dork Stuff, General