As some of you know, I’ve recently joined the team at Digital Strips, a review and commentary site for online comics. Not only am I providing my voice for the weekly review podcast, but I’m also writing articles and doing satirical comics strips based on what we’ve reviewed. I’ve gotten a bit behind on the strips, but I dug what I’ve done so far and they makes my cohosts laugh. Which is essentially like being in a play and just being glad that your fellow actors are standing behind the curtains watching you and chuckling.

David, my nemesis, who has in the past assaulted me with horrible, horrible songs, has been spending a lot of time lately playing Kingdom Hearts and its equally cool sequel Kingdom Hearts II: Still Not Cool. The concept is a bringing together of characters (with their girly hair and obscenely thick swords) from the Final Fantasy universe and weaving them into the same world as characters from Disney flicks. The story follows a young boy (a gender I’m only referencing because everyone calls her a “he”) named Sora voiced by Haley Joel Osment as he fights evil alongside Donald Duck and Goofy.

Let that sink in for a minute.

I will admit that I enjoy the occasional romp into the world of role-playing games, even so far as a recent purchase of a used copy of Final Fantasy III for the DS in an attempt to recapture the hours and hours I spent abusing my original Nintendo. And it’s paid off in a nostalgic kind of way, but has mostly given me something to do for a while before I fall asleep or, as I’ve admitted before, while on the can. I’m also a fan of a good number of Disney flicks, hearkening back to younger days when I dreamed of having the skill and patience to be an animator on the Happiest Assembly Line on Earth. But for some reason I just can’t get into the idea that a pantsless duck and retarded dog would have anything to offer a young ingenue as she battles little monsters in various Disney-themed levels.

My disdain for the setup is occasionally thwarted as my eyes keep drifting from my computer screen (on which I’m attempting to get some work done) as I hear some Disney characters, generally voiced by the original actors, and I watch the odd cutscene or battle sequence. Then they’ll say something like “she was right here all the time…in your heart” and suddenly remember that I had an appointment ripping out my fingernails with a pair of pliers, a preferred use of my time. Did I mention that Sora’s primary weapon is a giant key called a keyblade?

What amazes me most about this is vulgar, chain-smoking David who squeaks out a girlish “yes!” every time he goes up a level or defeats James Woods. The conversations that are sparked by my heavy sighs and mutters of “I hate you so much” are purely priceless in the way that a child trying to explain something complex is cute. At one point, as I pointed out that Goofy didn’t seem to be doing much in a battle with brooms or something, David said to me with all sincerity and seriousness, “Actually, Goofy is kind of a badass.” I paused and then asked him to really, really think about what he’d just said. As I recall, he then spritzed himself with something that smells like flowers, applied some Lip Smackers, and then got back to the game while humming a boy band single. Even just now when I told him what I’m writing about, he said “Dude, don’t make fun of Sora for being androgynous. He’s just a little boy and that’s why.”

According to the strategy guide that’s now resting on my couch, it looks like he’s about halfway through the game. I look forward to him waking up from whatever strange trance this game has put him so we can go about doing normal things that don’t involve Aladdin ending a level by saying “Get some rest, carpet” before the trio of polygon nightmares wander around the streets of Agrabah.

Until Kingdom Hearts III, anyway, at which point the carpet will hopefully be rested up enough to take the characters over a vast chasm and dump them in.

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Filed under: Cartooning, Digital Strips, Dork Stuff